barefoot benedictions

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.” – Psalm 119:105 (JPS)

For the past month+ I’ve battled anxiety and uncertainty about what I am meant to do in ministry. We have a “use it or lose it” PTO policy at work, and since I didn’t “use it” this year, I needed to burn time before the first of the year. Taking a few weeks off December 2025 gave me the time to stop and think (finally).

First, I spiraled, as is my way:)

I spent 20+ years in government and politics. Serving at the state and local levels, I have been fortunate to serve in both elected and appointed roles. Inevitably, that is where my mind went first. I have significant “sunk costs” building that career; perhaps I am meant to return to it, this time with a pastoral lens? Or maybe I’m meant to give all that up? Perhaps I should start a nonprofit supporting the homeless, or job placement, or re-entry, or some other social service? Maybe I should start a Political Action Committee (PAC) to elevate issues I care about (affordable housing, clean water, equitable neighborhood investment)? Like I said…spiraling.

I consulted close friends and family who’ve supported my spiritual journey thus far. I even asked Chat GPT what I should do. Would it surprise you to hear AI wasn’t terrible at giving advice? It surprised me a little. My anxiety increased with every idea that popped into my brain or was suggested to me. Two pieces of advice stood out, though: 1) journal on a few key questions including, “What is God’s will for me?”…”What makes my heart sing?”…”Who are my people?” 2) what’s wrong with simply helping whomever asks for it? Why does it need to be so structured?

I began journaling on those questions and thinking about why I feel so compelled to reach some kind of “scale” with my efforts?? I’m still in process, but some helpful insights have emerged.

• I need to quiet myself if I hope to hear God’s voice within me. God speaks through silence. Well intentioned as it might be; asking multitudes for advice and counsel can lead to the opposite of clarity.
• Distinguishing between God’s voice, and my own, is f*cking hard. Rabbi Harold Kushner writes that God’s voice is usually “the more morally demanding” pathway. I have found this definition helpful. In many ways it’s easier to fall back into old career paths, making them “fit” the calling. When deep down we know we’re supposed to be doing something else. But that “something else” is unfamiliar…we feel unprepared for that pathway, and unsure we can live that truth.
• Wanting to be important/consequential/influential…that’s my voice, not God’s. The desire to make an impact at scale is rooted in societal pressures and norms – not Biblical ones. I’m beginning to feel as though the Divine Mystery is nudging me inward toward something more intimate. Recently, in the Torah study group I attend, we discussed caring for one’s neighborhood/neighbors. With 24/7 news cycles and instant information, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by the good/bad/ugly worldwide. In doing so, we often ignore the needs of our closest human siblings.

I’m still not exactly sure what God is hoping for with me. I feel called to stand with the marginalized and oppressed. With the poor, the disenfranchised, the sick, the imprisoned. The Jesus I have met through the Gospels invites us to go the margins of society, not as saviors, but as siblings. I feel that deeply. How I’m supposed to do that? …still working on an answer.